Author Topic: Woodworking Truths  (Read 2720 times)

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Offline Birdhunter

  • Posts: 3958
  • Woodworker, Sportsman, Retired
Woodworking Truths
« on: August 29, 2020, 10:13 AM »
When it's an uphill walk to the lathe, it's time to sweep.

When that brand new saw blade just burns the wood, it's on backward.

When the dust just flies out of the dustless sander, the hose isn't on.

When that same sander won't sand worth a darn,, you didn't put a pad on it.

Whan the router flies out of your grasp, you are going in the wrong direction.

When the wife questions the UPS delivery of your newest tool, be sure to have a wifey project for which that tool is needed.

Offline jobsworth

  • Posts: 6958
  • Festool Baby.....
Re: Woodworking Truths
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2020, 04:00 PM »
No matter how many times I cut it , It will still be short.

No matter what or when ya order it, The wife will be there when its delivered.

Doesnt matter how many times you did something or how good you are, you will screw up when someone is watching

Offline notenoughcash

  • Posts: 243
  • too many ideas, not enough cash....
Re: Woodworking Truths
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2020, 05:57 AM »
this one has tools in it.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned blisters from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****!'

skill SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

b*stard TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling @ b*stard!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
turns out that woodworking is 1% making things you'll use, 4% making bespoke high end firewood, 15% cleaning, and 80% looking for the blinking thing you just put down

Offline FestitaMakool

  • Posts: 1345
Re: Woodworking Truths
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2020, 05:31 PM »
Thanks all!  [big grin]

@notenoughcash[poke] 😂😂
On another thought: Visit your local fire station, they may have the full suit you’ll need for your endeavours [big grin]
I can almost tick all your boxes, saying; typing with 9 fingers for the moment - the last one is on recovery and regenerating fingerprint - which a belt sander removed [big grin]
« Last Edit: November 15, 2020, 05:37 PM by FestitaMakool »
“The Stig” Yes, it is true, at least some part of it..
“If you have an old Land Rover and a fit wife, you’re most likely always busy”

Offline Crazyraceguy

  • Posts: 2803
Re: Woodworking Truths
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2020, 12:33 PM »
The softest, easiest thing to cut, in the entire you!
DF500 + assortment set
PS420 + Base kit
MFK700 (2)
TS55,FS800, FS1080, FS1400/ LR32, FS1900, FS 2424/ LR32, FS3000
CT26E + Workshop cleaning set, Bluetooth remote
ETS EC 125
ETS 125 (2)
RTS 400
Shaper Origin/Workstation/Plate
MFT clamps set
Installers set
Centrotech organizer set
Socket/Ratchet set
Pliers set